Paris Memoirs - Dépaysement

It has been over a year since I first arrived in Paris, bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, anticipating the span of five months that, in my fantastical imagination, would be pure bliss. It would be all frolicking, colorful macarons, endless bottles of wine, cornucopias of cheese, and elegant style. I just assumed that I would suddenly transform into one of those chic people you see in photos from Paris fashion week at the Tuileries. Indeed, I certainly did consume countless bottles of wine, but what I didn't expect was a crippling reality check.

The French word dépaysement in the most general sense describes the condition of being disoriented in an unfamiliar context. At a deeper level, it is used when a person finds themselves far away from their home country, feeling a sense of alienation and longing for home; the word itself contains pays, which is French for country.

Securing a Parisian apartment months ahead of time did indeed alleviate a boat-load of stress, but in turn, this meant I arrived alone, tackled public transport alone, and entered a foreign apartment building alone, all the while struggling to carry my body's weight in luggage. I had detailed directions written on a note in my pocket that I re-checked every 10 seconds like a paranoid schitzophrenic, even though I had it memorized by heart. The building was super easy to find, a short walk from the metro station and in view of the "city hall" of the 15th Arrondissement.

After taking the miniscule lift to the 7th floor (thank GOD for the elevator) and then spending 10 minutes attempting to unlock the door, I stumbled into my new home. I was simultaneously cocaine-high on nerves, in disbelief at the absolute beauty of the apartment, and absolutely terrified at how utterly FAR my comforts were from me. It had Turkish rugs on the floor, an old wooden armoire, a teeny kitchenette, and a view of those quintessential little chimineys. I kept saying to myself, "oh my god, is this real," over, and over, and over again.

Allowing myself a few deep breaths, I realized how many unexpected logistical issues there were. Wifi was nonexistent, the power adapter I brought didn't work, my lap top died in 5 minutes without power, I didn't know if my US phone would work, I needed a French phone to contact my au pair family ASAP but had no idea how to get one, I had no food, I had no way to contact my family to let them know I was safe, and the next day I had an orientation to attend.

Needless to say, I broke. Uncontrollable sobbing. Violent shaking. The whole nine yards.

I disregarded international charges and called my mama. Even writing this out makes me feel a little choked up. There are certain times when you just need your Mom.


{View from the window, not the most stunning, but charming nonetheless. Unfortunately, I have no photos of the apartment itself! how sad!}
It took me almost two months to get past my depression, fear, and anxiety. I hadn't realized how NOT independent I was, and the vicious cycle of "feeling bad for feeling bad" only added to the situation.

The best advice my mama gave me was to "fake it until you make it," and it eventually worked, after many a sad, lonely, forced trip to the Eiffel Tower or a nearby park.

In fact, the very first "sightseeing" outing I took was to the Eiffel Tower, the quintessential icon of Paris, the symbol of romance and awe... And you know what happened??? I felt no joy whatsoever. I was incredibly scared of practicing the language, and just assumed that people wouldn't have the patience to "deal with me" and my fragmented French... If I had to take the metro, I would pre-memorize the route I would take, the station names and directions to take... I would clutch my bag so tightly just in case pickpockets were lurking nearby... The need to cry would randomly surge up in any unoccupied moments... It was BAD, guys. Really bad. Oh - and did I mention that I was also in the midst of a break-up? yeah... just bad.

My life wasn't magical. It was full of mundane things and metros that smelled like piss. I had to work a job (nanny), I had to combat the French university system tooth and nail to enroll in classes, I had to make sure I was nutritionally balanced, and wear comfortable shoes. I remember one particular afternoon, sitting in a hidden corner of a café and messaging my mom, seriously considering packing up and returning home. After that conversation, I realized that I either NEEDED to enjoy my time in Paris, or leave; because there's no way I could live this miserably continuously for 4.5 more months. I also couldn't let Natalie down - my best friend had bought a ticket to visit me over Christmas, and dropping that ball just wasn't an option.

I was on a mission from that point forward, posting mantras on my walls, forcing myself to make friends and step out of my comfort zone. You don't know how good it feels to be completely content and confident in your life when you've experienced the level of fear that I had. I remember a day in which I resolved myself to find a winter coat, since I didn't own one yet. It was nothing crazy - I just walked a few blocks out of my neighborhood, visited a few shops, and came home with a new black, wool coat!! I was so proud of myself! For something so simple.

And the more I ventured out, the more clarifying moments of accomplishment I had, and after a while, almost every day felt like the best day ever. I was able to walk confidently through the streets, navigate conversational French, and socialize like a butterfly. The new surroundings and my conscious decision to step out of my comfort zone made my time in Paris the most rewarding thing I've ever done. period.

Getting to the good part took A LOT of struggle. The biggest lesson I learned is this: That happiness doesn't mysteriously happen to you according to some unknown system of destiny, but rather, YOU make it happen to yourself. It isn't a passive occurrence, it's one that demands action, a choice.

I feel like reflecting on my past is so appropriate right now, considering my future move to Versailles coming up in January. The upcoming move will be a completely different one. Things will be more familiar, and I'll be arriving to the comforting presence of my boyfriend, Erik. I know that my comfort zone will be challenged, nevertheless, and I'm really looking forward to see how it all unfolds! At least I'll have a handsome Swede to greet me at the airport this time 'round!


Enjoy these photos and their accompanying captions. The next installment of the Paris Memoirs will be about all the magical times.


{Ready to depart at the airport}

{First French meal}

{I will always remember the taste of that Éclair au Café}

{The loneliest hour at the park ever - wrote in my journal and cried here, Eiffel tower in the distance}

{First touristy outing - didn't go so well}

{In an attempt to work through my depression after the anticlimax of the Eiffel tower, I took a very long walk down the Seine and spotted this pretty steeple}





Here are some excerpts from the journal I kept: (yes, this is a Rifle Paper Co. Journal)



{I saved my metro ticket and directions from airport to the apartment}

{doodles from when I woke up randomly at 4am from jet lag... Mr. Frog is my stuffed animal friend}

{"It's fear. I'm afraid of everything."}

{"I think the word is disillusionment."}


I really hope you enjoyed this memoir. Please share your experiences or thoughts with me in the comments if you have any. :D If you have a specific question or private concern please email me. hannah.wilson27 (at) gmail.com



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Cathedral Light

Since I simply can't keep my blog posts caught up with my crazy schedule, I've decided to organize my posts by place or theme!

Today I want to share with you the beauty of light in Gothic cathedrals. The majority of these pictures are from Sainte Chapelle, but a few are from Notre Dame. If you happen to visit a Gothic cathedral at the correct time of day, when the sun is low enough in the sky to create golden light with long shadows, you're in for a treat. I tried my best to capture the glow of it, but nothing substitutes actually being there.

The past two weeks I was lucky enough to have two visitors: My mom and my grandma! I showed them around the city, and pretty much checked everything off their Paris To-See lists. I felt like a pretty adept mock-tour-guide!

I have to admit though, it was so hard leaving my mom at the airport bus stop. It was like I reverted back to being 4 years old. That moment when you're left at kindergarten for the first time, and you feel absolutely hopeless and heartbroken. But thankfully, after a few days of rest (which included copious amounts of sleep and medicine), I was able to get over not only my residual cough, but also the feeling of loneliness I had been battling since my very first day in Paris.

I realized during this time, thanks to some pokes and prods from my dear friends here and back home, that happiness doesn't just happen. Rather, it's a choice that you have to make everyday. If I allowed myself, I could have been depressed and scared for the entirety of my stay, but that simply isn't an option for me.

It's time for me to embrace being here, to fall in love with Paris, to see all that I can see in the next four months, to remember that my hometown, family, and friends will ALWAYS be there for me. I'm never alone with all the love I'm being sent through prayer and good wishes. Big life changes are extremely difficult for most people, but if you are determined enough, all it takes is a choice to be happy.

On my wall, I have written: I am in charge of how I feel, and today I choose determination, bravery, strength, and happiness. (or insert whichever type of abstract nouns you have need of)

If you're reading this right now, you are studying abroad, and you are experiencing culture shock, loneliness, homesickness, regret, or fear, take comfort in the fact that probably 98% of people who study abroad feel the exact same things. There was even a point where I almost came back home, only three weeks in. Take it one day at a time, and find a way to become happy, even if it takes time, a whole month even. You can do it!

And if you're not studying abroad, just enjoy my photos and live vicariously! :)

First Few Days in Paris

I've been here in Paris for one week! That feels a little surreal to say. My first few days were... how can I put this... actually quite horrible. I had multiple anxiety attacks, cried everyday, and seriously thought that coming to Paris was a SERIOUS mistake. Anybody who says that studying abroad is amazing and wonderful has left out a big part: culture shock, missing home, and feeling seriously overwhelmed. Apparently, though, feeling all of this is completely normal. Anybody who is considering studying abroad, listen up! Organize as many things as possible before your departure! Any decrease in stress is well worth the effort!! Even after a week I still find myself wondering if I should have just stayed home and instead saved up money and gone on a long vacation to Paris. Seriously consider if you want to take the enormous time and effort it requires to live in a foreign country, it is not for the faint of heart.

I'm happy to say, however, that within 3 more days, the anxiety has almost disappeared, and I am happy to be here!

I've been so busy the past week I haven't had time to come to Starbucks (Free Wifi), and upload photos. I have a feeling that blogging from now on will consist of 3 posts in one day covering my previous week, because of wifi (it's a loooong, boring story).

Here are some shots of my departure and my first few days in Paris. Although I was feeling culture-shocked and terrible during these days, I did force myself to visit the Eiffel Tower:

{La Tour Eiffel!}

{Under the bridge near the Eiffel Tower} {American Church steeple...I think...}

{Eating Breakfast at home before airport} {At the airport! Comfortable, cute outfit} {First meal: bread, cheese, meat} {View from my window! So Parisian} {The Park near my house, you can see the top of the tower!}
I'll be back within the week (hopefully) to post more photos and tell you more about what I've been up to! Until then, au revoir!